


With time

by DarkSilverWings



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Thoughts-centric, mental breakdowns, recovering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7114384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkSilverWings/pseuds/DarkSilverWings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With time I can learn to stand up again, and in that time we can learn to stand together</p>
            </blockquote>





	With time

**Author's Note:**

> Just fluff dump again, I love this fandom and this pairing so much  
> Slight violence warning, nothing graphic, just memories. If you've seen Tokyo Ghoul, this isn't as much

With time  
Nagachika Hideyoshi/Kaneki Ken

Kaneki liked to think. He loved books that made him think, he loved psychological mind play, he loved pondering and getting lost in his thoughts. But there were those he couldn't control, and at most times he deemed them unnecessary to control. Kaneki liked to think, specifically, about his past. Now, he's read the phrase and been told the words not to live in the past more times than he can count in his head, even with his above average math scores, but it wasn't something he could help. After all, these thoughts stemmed from innocent memories, but sometimes led to various flashes of things he certainly would rather not remember, splatters of blood and smudges of grime and torn skin before his eyes, by his teeth, a rivulet of tears. Then he moves to the most destructive questions; what-ifs that rip him apart in the realisation that there were times he could actually have helped and even more so at the times he realised he couldn't have.

What he likes to think about most, is Nagachika Hideyoshi. His boyfriend was radiant in every sense of the word, warm smiles, even warmer words and dropping teases where teasing was called for. If someone had taken everything he loved and made a person out of that, Hidē would outshine them in a heartbeat. But, like anything else, his mind wonders a series of what-ifs that leaves him breathless at ludicrous hours and manages to catch him speechless even during the day. He doesn't seem to work when he begins to think about what would have happened if he hadn't saved Hidē from bleeding out over Anteiku, what would have happened if he had just vanished instead of coming to school that one day, what would have happened if he had refused to accept the friendship of the young blonde when they were children-  
He really does try to keep his thoughts at bay, but the tears he can't help.

Nagachika Hideyoshi knew his partner loved to think, loved the twist of words and the thrill of speculation, and while Hidē did things on impulse or on whim, his counterpart liked to think things through fully. His own decisions were quick and resourceful, not wanting to waste any more time than necessary on a variety of things: guidelines, planning, waiting, drafting; he didn't do those, his brain's impulse did them for him. Never in his life had he thought about anything as much as he thinks about Kaneki Ken. He's well aware of the nightmares, of the fear, of even the boy's idle musings if only because of the sheer amount of time they'd known each other. He does his best when he can, comforting the white haired youth whenever he needed and making him laugh whenever he could, though he did admit the latter was partly so he could hear the tinkling laugh. He bought a coffee grinder, and the most expensive beans he could afford, placing them where the other would be able to access them easily and at any time. 

He knew Kaneki needed coffee at random hours of the day, sometimes to curb hunger and oftentimes not so, and didn't protest to that in the least. The smell of coffee was one he'd grown to love by now, and though he was slightly squeamish at the scent of human flesh he kept that to himself. He gave Kaneki all the space he wanted, a pair of keys and a little keychain to do whatever he wanted during whatever hours he deemed fit, and rather enjoyed that the boy seemed to be at his side more often than not despite his freedom not to be. Hidē had never been one to push, he never crossed any physical boundaries or any directions of conversation Kaneki didn't seem to enjoy. He could do naught but think about the boy perpetually, it had become as much a part of him as anything else and carved a little home into his chest. He did everything he could for Kaneki, everything he could think of that the other would like and even some things to fluster him just for the giggles he would get, but he couldn't stop the boy from having nightmares or particularly bad trauma attacks, nor did he believe he could permanently.  
He really does try to distract him, he wished he could stop the sobs.

On some days, Kaneki wishes he could say he's getting better as he tumbles too far into the worst thoughts, but he genuinely believes he's improving on his days with Hidē. They don't even have to be going on dates or trying new things, it can be as simple as idly drifting fingers across his back or a thumb brushing over his knuckles, freezing skin from the snow outside or the sticky heat of summer, on those says he can truly say he's enjoying his life, he can say that he doesn't feel the clawing sensation as if something was trying to rip it's way out of his body. On other days, he's convinced he'll never get better because the nightmares come back and the starving urges, the desperation, the voices, the screaming, the ocean of blood that he's drowning in and-

"Kaneki", he lashes out without thinking, teeth sinking into a forearm and ripping out flesh that tastes so good and flares out his kakuja and pulses content through his kagune. Until he's crying and he realises it's Hidē and he's horrified and sobbing wretchedly wishing he could rip his tongue out for enjoying the taste of this perfect boy's flesh. His fingers clutch against shoulders, nails digging below skin but the other doesn't complain, only brushes his hand softly across Kaneki's back shifting his torn arm so the exposed chunk isn't pressed against his body disgustingly, whispering, "Calm down, take your time. Take another bite if you need. It happens to the best of us. I love you."  
He wishes he'd get better; he hates hurting Hidē, and hates the grey-white of bandages.

Hidē knowns Kaneki needs someone when he's fluctuating. As much as the poor boy would plead not to have anyone subjected to his unruly company in that state, there's no way he'd get through it by keeping it pent up until those centipede looking things break the skin of his back and the dark mask forms over his face and tortured, blood soaked tears. He knows the maniacal grin isn't Kaneki's. But he genuinely believes Kaneki is progressing. His breakdowns are fewer and more spaced out, he gets out of them rather sooner, he's gotten back to reading and he's comfortable enough to talk to Hidē about everything and anything that he hadn't been before. He finds coffee cups and bookmarks littered around the house and picks them up with a smile before he joins the white haired boy with his headphones over his ears as the hollowed out music bellows loud enough to drum against the other's ears while he turns a page. 

They're so horrifically domestic, but neither would change it for the world. Domesticity is what they need, what they always have needed. Some days Kaneki will bite him and feel terrible, other days he'll go out hunting and come sobbing and blood soaked back home before stumbling into Hidē's arms. He tries to tell him it doesn't bother him in the least, tries to say he'll always be around to help but Kaneki doesn't listen. So he does the next best thing; he repeats it every time and continuously like a prayer hoping one day Kaneki won't feel bad for depending on him. Kaneki hears him, he knows that, he feels it thrum through him whenever the other whispers that he loves him blushing or smiling or hugging him closer than ever. It satisfies him to know Kaneki is getting better, even if he doesn't recognise it, and knows this is all he wants, now and always. He makes sure Kaneki knows this.


End file.
